It is well with my soul

I've rewritten this song in words that make complete sense to me. It's a hymn that is very dear to my heart; it is my favorite hymn of all time. It challenges me.


When I feel peace in my heart; when sorrows like a tsunami crash ... whatever it is, you've taught me to say, "it is well with my soul". Though Satan will thrash agaist me, though suffering will come my way, you've promised to consider my helpless condition. You shed your own blood for my soul. The greatest thing, most amazing thought is that my sin, in whole, is nailed to the cross! I can't bear it anymore! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, oh my soul! Lord, hurry the day where my faith will be sight, and the clouds be rolled back, and the music sound with joy, You are here! Because of this... it is well with my soul.

poem for english.

Get ready, get set...
Here comes the fire
Go and run for all you are
You can't save them
There is no hope now
like the ocean tide passes,
like the sun comes and goes,
so do the lives of the children we raise
Four little girls no longer with breath
laid under a blanket of debris
Families left grieving
Friends left mourning
Here; you see the evil of humanity
In everyone's hearts
In everyone's mind
A bomb planted in a church
with a goal to kill ...
Useless, malicious, abominable ...
That's where we've gone to
We are who we are
For as long as humanity goes on
We are who we are

Bring it on.

Lately, I haven't been reading the bible. I haven't really had motivation. I have kind of been growing further away from God the past month ... But I went to West Ellensburg Park, like I always do to write in my journal and read the bible. I wrote these exact words before I started reading, "God, please reveal yourself to me. Answer me through your word. I can't hide from you, so please let me see you." So, I randomly opened my bible and started reading Psalm 38. Here it is::

1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.

2 For your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down upon me.

3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
my bones have no soundness because of my sin.

4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.

5 My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.

6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.

7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.

8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.

9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.

10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.

12 Those who seek my life set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they plot deception.

13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear,
like a mute, who cannot open his mouth;

14 I have become like a man who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.

15 I wait for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord my God.

16 For I said, "Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."

17 For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.

18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.

19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies;
those who hate me without reason are numerous.

20 Those who repay my good with evil
slander me when I pursue what is good.

21 O LORD, do not forsake me;
be not far from me, O my God.

22 Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my Savior.

This is exactly what I've been feeling. God answered this prayer, for Him to reveal Himself. Which leads me to say that I can do anything with God on my side, and I can't do anything without God. So I find myself saying ... "Life sucks sometimes. It's so hard. But Jesus; if I have you ... All I have to say is 'Bring it on, world.'"

My God, my King.

You shake this ground like thunder
I'm fake, and bound to sunder
You are my God and King
I'm breathless before you now
I'm speechless to wonder how
You are my God and King
Your creation is broken
our eyes aren't even open
You are my God and King
Forgiven for things I've done
the darkness has never won
You are my God and King
You carried our sins that day
So that we don't have to pay
You are the song that I sing
You are my God and King

trust.

Don't you hate when people end up being who you really hoped they weren't? It's like you go to an extreme to trust someone that seems so ... trustworthy. But when you actually build that trust with them and talk about something that you really care about; a real problem ... you're left standing next to a person that you really don't know, because they ended up the opposite of who they say they are. But you're not as much disappointed in them as you are in yourself. You think, I can't believe I actually thought I found someone I trust with all my heart. You're abandoned to questions that test your life, your faith, your all... and you'll just do it again next time. I want someone in my life that I can trust no matter what. Someone that will always be here for me. Someone that understands how I feel, and is compassionate and caring about it. I need to trust. I need to be.

what I'm hearing.

You weary heart, take comfort and rest in me. You've got a prolonged journey of healing in front of you. You yearn for something greater in your shattered contentment; but all you're ever going to need is standing right in front of you. Your desire is to strive for something bigger than what you've been given, but you know deep in your heart that what you've been offered here is enough. You hunger, thirst, and crave for happiness; but joy is your true necessity. You've begun to wonder if you've lost someone that you love dearly, and you fear that you will forget him over time... but know that he's in your heart, your memories, and your mind all too often to be forgotten. Don't give up, broken soul ... For your God brings beauty from pain. You are questioning the meaning of life in a way that you've never doubted before. You've never experienced grief and mourning of a loved one until now, and you have no idea how to tackle the pain. Take comfort in me, and rest. I will bring beauty from pain.

Tim Paschen.

Emptiness is what you're left with when someone you love passes away. Like a piece of your heart has broken off, and you just can't find it admist the ruins. Tim was someone who put a smile on your face no matter how you were feeling. He was the goofiest uncle in the world; and his big things were baseball, play n' trade, and the beatles. I will always think about Tim when I come across any of those things. I miss and love him a whole lot. I always will. This whole thing has made me realize just how important family is... not just immediate family; but extended family such as uncles and aunts and cousins. They mean so much to me, and I love all of them with all of my heart. Tim was a great person; and I wish I had the chance to say goodbye.

Timothy Alan Paschen.
Nov 1959 - July 22, 2008
we love you, and we miss you, Uncle Tim. Rest in Peace.

this candle ...

This candle, without a glare of light. It's scented like that of roses, and we're drawn to it. "Follow me" the crisp whisper calls. "But your wick... it's not ignited. I can't find you in this darkness." I cried aloud. "just a couple steps away to my beauty; I'll lead you here." convincing voices fill the air. "don't go." a deep whisper cries.

So I take another step forward, and the lovely scent grows stronger. I close my eyes and breathe it in. Absolutely what I want. I will leave everything I have for this. It's so great. Another attempted leap, and I stumble. the distant cries grow further away as I step closer.

"You said you'd lead me safely." I mocked the words. A deafening voice threatens, "Go on! You're almost here. Take a step!!" I feel a strong pull forward. As I step into what seemed to be glorious fragrance, the aroma turns to obscene burning ... the most callous odor I've ever sensed. My heart is aching. My feet are burning. This is not what I thought it was. Everything is dark. Everyone is crying. Everyone ... with dirt in their eyes. "Where's the beauty I saw from afar?" I cried out to nothing. "This is beauty. Watching you fall. Leading you on to think I'm something that I'm not. You've now stepped into a hole, that no one can get you out. You're stuck with me." The world's desires surround me. I can't get out. I fall to my knees in shame of what I've been deceived into.

"God, help me!" I cry to a seemingly distant belief. Suddenly the desires surrounding me are pushed back hard by a light so beautiful, so bright, that I can barely look at it. Strong arms pick me up, and carry me out of the darkness. Jesus stands right in front of me ...

"Why didn't you protect me from going there?" I asked my savior. "I tried. I was the voice you denied to listen to telling you not to go. I was the one crying when you fell. I give you free will. You chose to go, and you called back." A smile swept across His face.

He gently gave me a candle. "This is a symbol of me. I'll always be with you. I will guide you. I will give you the scent you want and need. I will be your hands and feet. Protect this flame. Let it shine in you. Let me be seen. Share this flame. But don't give it away. Never let me go. I'm always here for you. I love you more than you'll ever know. More than anyone could ever love you. Agape love."

I fell to my knees in praise to the God that gives me light. "Always here." I repeated.

You are my everything; my all in all.

I’m breathing you in; everything that you are. Love, mercy, compassion, care, joy, happiness, wonder, excitement, peace ... all pouring down and washing me clean. You are being inhaled by my weak lungs right at this moment. Beauty seeping through my eyes covering the pain inside me, and exposing my heart to love again. The exciting newfound hope is causing me to explode into a melody never heard before: you’re melody ... made for me. Amazing light is crashing through the blaring darkness. I’m finally shielded from the obstacles I keep stumbling over. Your word, being inscribed into my flesh; it’s stuck with me forever. To be my guide, to be my source of light in the narrow path sure to come ... You are my everything; my all in all.

poem.

this poem was inspired by my own selfish actions. I was telling God from my head knowledge, "do whatever you want to do with me, I am yours" but my heart was really saying, "leave me alone, let me do my own thing." But as you read until the end, it kind of clashes together where I'm actually thinking what I'm supposed to be thinking. Head knowledge is turned into heart knowledge in this poem, and in my life.

forgive me.
I didn't mean to.
let me be,
I'll do what I do.
break me.
I am only yours.
let me be,
there are open doors.
I only need you.
You are forever here.
let me do what I do,
it's the world that I fear.
I will read,
I will be in your word.
I'll do it cause I need,
cause I want to be heard.
You've given me a lot.
I couldn't ask for more.
It's a lot of friends I sought.
This life is kind of a bore.
Your burden is light.
You are who You are.
Maybe that's right ...
Maybe you're not that far.
I'll pray every hour.
I'll sing every day.
Do you have enough power?
Do you know the way?
You will guide me.
You will show the path.
Do you see what I see?
I fear your wrath ...
I love you for good.
You're my only hope.
Maybe I could ...
It's a strong hope ...
I believe in You.
I believe in You.

Help.

I used symbols throughout the whole thing. This is not a real story.


Crowded street corners scream her name. She gently cradles herself in the middle of the sidewalk, sitting gravely still. She looks around for a helping hand to reach out for her. No one dares to look down at her. She's dirty. She's broken. She's hungry. No one stops their busy lives to save her from her weakening body. She's desperate for help. Any help. But she won't reach out and ask for it. She sits and waits for someone to come rescue her. Someone to hold her. Someone to tell her that it will be okay. People pass quickly without even a glance down at her empty body. Depression sinks deep down into her soul, her body, her everything ... She's lost all hope in anything. She finds herself praying to a distant god, "take me home ... take me home ..." the only words she speaks out loud repetitively are those of horse whispers "take me home ... take me home ... take me home ..." she digs into her pocket and pulls out the only comfort she has for herself. She gently places a needle in her palm and she stares at the blood-stained point. She pulls up her sleeve and brushes her fingertips over the red bumps on the inside of her arm. Twenty seven scars will haunt her for the rest of her life. She cringes at the thought. She gently presses the needle against her skin, tracing a line of what she will soon be marked with blood. The second streak pressed harder. The third even harder. She will go over the path of ripped skin until she feels satisfaction and peace within herself. She finally feels no more pain. She just sees it. She can't cry. She won't allow herself. She finally looks up to the people passing. Still; no one looks at her. A drop of blood falls from her wrist, and she feels satisfied. She makes a tight fist around the needle, and sits on the curb, feeling completely alone. No one will ever love her. She has become someone she never thought she would be. She is horrible. She is disgusting. These people won't even acknowledge that she's alive. That she's real. That she's sitting there committing suicide right in front of their eyes. She stabs the needle back into her arm hard, and she rips the skin away, and sees the familiar dark red flow from her arm to her palms. No one sees. No one notices. She feels completely broken. Completely alone. All these people passing he must be fake. They must be. Wouldn't they help? Wouldn't they see? She suddenly hears a voice behind her, "Hi. You look hurt. Is there any way I can help you?" She thinks to herself they must be talking to someone else. No one had even taken a quick look at her the whole time she had been on this street corner. She didn't say a word. The voice grew stronger, and approached her and knelt down. She thought she was dreaming. He looked her straight in the eye, "please let me help you." Her cracking voice only came out a whisper, "I ... I'm fine." He hesitated, not knowing exactly what to say. He looked at the blood stain on her long sleeve shirt, "You don't look fine to me. Here ... let me help you." He smiled, stood up, and reached his hand out to her. She stayed still and silent, afraid that he will pull away when he sees her bloody hands. She gently shook her head. "Come on. I can really help you. Take my hand." She put her hands in front of her, and surveys the streaks of blood crossing both palms of her hands. She looked back up at him, ready to see a disgusted reaction and watch him turn away. "Take my hand. I'm not afraid to touch you." He smiled again, and reached his hand to grab hers. Hesitantly, she allowed him to take her by the hand and help her to her feet. He didn't let go of her hand there, he kept walking, keeping his hand pressed against hers. He spoke again after a few steps ... "Have you ever heard of Jesus?"

Believe.

I fully believe in God's creation
Evolution hasn't really crossed my mind
I believe in the divine salvation
not in scientific theories they find

I promise I'm not against the people here
but to me, their way of dealing is not okay
they are stubborn with their ways of fear
of a God that's in control of their day

I don't actually know what they think
I'm not perfect in any way ...
But God is the only thing I'm sure won't sink
I can completely trust in what He will say

Who are you to say there is no God?
Was there really a Big Bang,
that formed things from metal to sod?
It just doesn't add up to be sane ...

But a divine design that created everything
which made the continents look like they fit
which made every king be that king ...
You just got to have faith in it.

The Parable of the Sower

Matthew 13: 3Then he taught them many things by using stories. He said: A farmer went out to scatter seed in a field. 4While the farmer was scattering the seed, some of it fell along the road and was eaten by birds. 5Other seeds fell on thin, rocky ground and quickly started growing because the soil wasn't very deep. 6But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched and dried up, because they did not have enough roots. 7Some other seeds fell where thorn bushes grew up and choked the plants. 8But a few seeds did fall on good ground where the plants produced a hundred or sixty or thirty times as much as was scattered. 9If you have ears, pay attention!

Okay, my pastor preached on this today. It was a really good sermon, and I just wanted to summarize what he said, because I think it's important to anyone. Barely any of what I'm saying is coming from me; it just inspired me, and I'm telling you what Fred said. Jesus used parables in his teachings. It's not just a nice story. There is a reason, a purpose behind each one, and I think it's really important to know what these mean. Why? Well, that's answered in the next verses::
"These people will listen and listen, but never understand. They will look and look, but never see. All of them have stubborn minds! Their ears are stopped up, and their eyes are covered. They cannot see or hear or understand. If they could, they would turn to me, and I would heal them."

The first part is While the farmer was scattering the seed, some of it fell along the road and was eaten by birds. We tell of Jesus. We are called to do so. But we can't tell who is going to understand; so we scatter the word amongst everyone. But when those seeds fall on hard hearts (along the road), they don't understand, and there is no harvest in their heart.

The second part is Other seeds fell on thin, rocky ground and quickly started growing because the soil wasn't very deep. This is where the people understand, and they start to grow. They get excited about the word and about God ... But when tough times come, they fall away and wither. Fred called this "Shallow heart"

The third one is Some other seeds fell where thorn bushes grew up and choked the plants. This person understands, and starts to grow a little. But worry of the world around them choke them, and they fall away. This was called the strangled heart.

The last one is But a few seeds did fall on good ground where the plants produced a hundred or sixty or thirty times as much as was scattered. An open heart! You hear, you understand, you grow ... you spread more seeds. You harvest!

I just thought it was a really cool sermon. Take it in.

feet.

wow, motivation sucks these days. But right now, I have something to write about.

feet.

I was walking to Safeway today. I went in shorts and flip flops in the 6 inch snow... By the way, I do not recommend. It's cold. After awhile of walking along the road, I noticed that my feet were colder than I thought they would be, and colder than earlier. I figured out that I was slashing dirt all over my feet and all up the back of my legs. Um, embarrassing! It's one thing for people passing to see that I'm in shorts and flip flops. But they now see that my feet and my legs are COVERED in dirt. So, my reaction was to wash it off with snow.

Problem...

I couldn't wash it all off. I needed someone there to wash the part off that I couldn't see was still dirty. I couldn't do it on my own. and I didn't think about the ultimate solution: put on pants and shoes... Smart one!

Anyway, it got me thinking... You know how it mentions in the bible that you need to have your feet clean before Jesus - and Jesus can wash your feet clean? If you think about it spiritually. I go out into the world with sin, with my feet dirty. As I keep walking, my feet get even more dirty. My sin grows as I walk. and a reaction is that you wipe it off. So, you wipe it off, and you think it's all good because you don't do those sins very much anymore. But what you don't know is... There is more dirt. Dirt that you can't see. Sin in your life that you don't know is still there. You need someone to wipe the rest off. That's where Jesus comes in.

Let Jesus clean your feet, so you don't have to be ashamed walking in the dirt - because you know that Jesus is walking along with you, washing your feet as you go along the journey.

worthless?

No one is a worthless piece of crap. You have to understand that everyone around you is human. We all make mistakes; big or not; they are mistakes.

Did you know that people said Jesus was worthless? They said he was blasphemy. Well, obviously he wasn't... He was God's son. He was God. But, seriously, he died for us "worthless pieces of crap." The creator of the universe loves us that much to give up his son to save us from death. Jesus loved the guy who was whipping his back. Wouldn't it be hard to turn to a person that's murdering you and think "I love you. Enough to let you do this to me."? Jesus loved the men that were chanting for him to be put to his death. I can't even pound it into your head enough for you to really understand. No one can yet fathom God's love. It's greater than anything.

I think it's hypocritical and wrong to say that another person is worthless. You are the same as him or her. God loves him or her. God loves you. No matter what you've done, no matter who you are. Non-Christians and Christians, he loves us the same.

Think about it.